Feelings

Um I feel strange, like I'm all kinda bummed in a realist way like I realize that I have a lot of work to do to rise above the rest of talented people looking for work and graduating more recently than me with more technical ability, but, last night as I was leaving this party at Marc's house I just had this surge of excited energy where I felt young wild and free. Like stuff is all messed up and I have no idea what I'm doing or if anything good will happen to me at all but oh the possibilities. I feel like I can do or go anywhere and hardly anything is of consequence. So every once in a while today, among my unproductive distractions, I keep thinking, 'yea but this is kinda great'. I love my pajamas that I've been in all day, and my computer that I somehow managed to buy myself, and I love my room that I procured and decorated myself, I mean besides all the furniture that was just left in there... as I was walking away from the Matt & Kim concert yesterday, I was looking at all the big old houses that surround Prospect Park and I wanted to start crying because I missed my friends who are fun and get me and wouldn't ditch me in the middle of a music festival because it was raining and they were "getting over a cold", and I was crying because I wanted things, I want to be successful and creative and interesting and I want to go places and make things that people are interested in. And I tried to stop crying cause I was walking in public but I also kind of didn't want to because it felt kind of good and vindicating. I think it might be good to cry because you want things so bad, I don't even know what those things are even. But I want them a lot.

Here is a picture of my wall as it looks today. Piece of velum that I pinned to the wall because I have no flat surface to store it, with pieces cut out of it for cards or whatnot. The blue card from Colleen fell behind the dresser and I still haven't retrieved it. Frame chunk that I found, spray painted and tied to the wall. Thank you card from Caty & Eliot, piece of paper I rested my paintbrush on one time and thought it looked cool. Ripped off piece of a Whole Foods bag that I drew old building facades on when I was playing hooky last Tuesday and wanted to draw these for a future project, maybe painting them on shirts, and my steel half pear cage that I hung up today instead of making a new portfolio or looking for jobs.